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2005/11/04

孤独感に苛まされたとき

個人日記。

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風邪引いて会社を休み一日部屋に閉じこもっていましたが・・・・
なんざんすか、この孤独感は!

本来なら、仕事後チーム飲みに行きそのあとカレーの会に参加し、翌日は朝から仲良し同期の結婚式だったのに、全てキャンセル。

それはそれでしょうがない、せっかくの機会だから時間をゆっくり取ってこれからやりたいこととか目標を考えて立てようかな、と思っていましたが・・・
それをしようと思い立ったときすぐ始めなかったのがいけなかったのか、しだいにおっくうになり、ついには狭い部屋に一人ポツンと座っている自分がとてもとても寂しく感じてきてしまい居ても立ってもいられなくなった。

さみしぃいいいー
人恋しい。

とても前向きになって自分の頭の中を整理する気にならず、ただ孤独感に苛まれる。

夕方、これではいかんと思い、ある習い事先の人に電話をして状態を話し、次は仲良しのセミナー仲間に電話をかけ、人の声を聞いてちょっと安心し、心配してもらってちょっと安心した。自分から電話することなんて滅多にないのに。
きっと寂しいからといって友人から電話かかってきたら自分だったらサバサバと流してしまうかもなぁと思いつつ、受け止めて相手をしてくれる友人に感謝。

電話のあと、少し落ち着いてからあることに気付いた。

今日は何に対しても感謝してなかった。

感謝の言葉を今日言ったか言わなかったか。言わなかった。
何があっても当たり前と思って反応していなかった。

食事も味がしなくてまずいと思いながら食べ、風邪にビタミンcがいいと教えてもらっても当たり前だと思い反応せず、時間ができたことに対しても風邪でキャンセルになった3つのイベントのことを後悔し、狭い部屋にいる自分の惨めさばかり追いかけていた。

それに氣付いてから、まず氣付いたことに感謝してみた。

「ありがとう」

そういえば、こんな小さいことも、考えたら感謝なのかもしれないと思うことが幾つかでてきた。
外が晴れて気候が気持ちよいこと。チャットで面白い情報を見つけたこと。いくつも、でてくるでてくる・・・。

感謝してみたら、冷たく硬くなっていたココロに暖かいエネルギーが入ってきた。
気持ちが軽くなった。
孤独感に苛まれていたココロが救われた感じがした。

何か刺激を感じて、外界とつながりを感じ始めた。

「感謝」を口に出すこと、感謝の思いをもつこと、すごい効果あります。

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